You think you are ok with something and you’ve moved on, then something reminds you. I don’t blame the reminders, they are usually innocent things, like people who care or numbers on a calender that mean nothing to anybody else.
March 31st, my birthday is also the anniversary of the worst decision I ever made. I was 18, and I don’t really blame anybody else. I made the decision, although another gave me the opportunity. Yesterday was the anniversary of my un-doing that decision. Or another date close by, I try not to remember. I didn’t think about it at all yesterday I had class and other things on my mind.
Today, nearly immediately after waking up I was reminded of another bad situation. Getting into the situation there were a few signs it wasn’t going to be the wonderful thing I thought it was, but I didn’t worry about those. I forged ahead, until my birthday, yet again. Things began to come crashing down around me. I struggled to keep them together long after they had fallen apart. Only two other people knew what a hell it was, my best friend and the person who had put all reliance on me, instead of on his God and himself. I could not fail, a god does not fail. So the times that I did I hurt him, but I was human, I needed sleep, I got pms and was grouchy, I had a life and separate goals and I wasn’t willing to hold the very same opinions about everything.
Both situations I got myself out of them, but the others involved seem to still be lying in the ashes. I cannot let myself feel guilty, March of 2007 and June of 2008 are both far away, and I am not the person to slap them and tell them to live their lives with joy and love.
Joy and love are the things I aspire to. I think I’m better at loving than I am being joyful. I tend to take in the unloved, and to care for them until they can love themselves. In those two cases I mentioned they didn’t move on and begin to love themselves. Instead they sank into depression and mania or became so fixated on a need for the love of others that they lost all perspective.
I don’t know how to end this post… but I’m going to because I have class in less than 20 minutes and I’m not out of bed or dressed.