Agape: or where I went this weekend

This weekend I disappeared from the internet. If you called my phone I didn’t answer, I didn’t even have my phone. It was turned off in my mother’s purse. My watch was at home, my computers were at home. I left the world and entered a holy place.

I went on a non-denominational religious retreat known as an Emmaus  Walk. That definition is completely and utterly inadequate for what actually goes on at Emmaus. Emmaus is for people who already have given their lives to God, something which I did when I was 13 years old. I never doubted the existence of God, I was not willing to give over my life to his control until then. After then I would grow apart and close and my relationship with God was something that lacked consistency and true discipleship.

I made bad decisions, and through him, I survived those decisions. When I did His will the decisions got better, and then I would get cocky and forget that those good decisions were usually the ones I let Him make.

Lately my life has not been a Christian walk. I had gone from growing and moving forward in my faith, to standing still, and then, I started going backwards. This weekend I have committed to go backwards no more, no matter how the trials are I cannot abandon my God, for He does not abandon me.

I experienced true, complete, selfless, pure, nonjudgmental, and unconditional love this weekend. Surrounded by women of all ages, all backgrounds and all kinds. I was in a small group with 4 other women, all of whom were grandmothers. These women did not make me feel like a child, or like I wasn’t just as much in need of this as they were, or just as ready for this explosive change.

My life will not be the same, even if I fail, I will learn from my failure and try again.

I don’t speak of my God here often, but that will also change, because I will no longer hide my love for Him. I won’t stop talking about knitting. I won’t stop talking about food. However I have been hiding another passion, and this is a place to talk about my passions. I will not hide. I will not pretend to be one of the crowd.


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